About two weeks ago, my grandpa, or "Gampy" had a stroke. The artery on the back of his neck was completely dissolved and the artery that goes up the front of your chest, and up the side of your neck - was 75% clogged. Out of this artery a small piece of plaque chipped off, travelled up his bloodstream and lodged itsself causing a stroke. Right now, as I sit in Germany he is in a rehab facility near Chicago. Unable to get home, for the second time in a family tragedy is really wearing me down pretty thin I'd have to say. When situations like this occur, and you know you have no control - and even being home wouldn't necessarily do much for it - you can't help but feel bad. At least if I was home, I wold be able to help out some how I am sure of that.
Christmas is just around the corner, and the homesickness starts to set in and I begin to wonder if it's even worth it to be here when I find myself depressed pretty much once or twice a week, and just wanting one week to catch my breath, regroup and then come back to Germany and start fresh with my internship. Shortly after the stroke, I also received news that my dad was in the hospital with some sort of strange bacterial infection, unable to fly - he's not coming for Christmas as planned. Luckly though, my cousin decided to still come even though my dad won't make it, and I'm truly thankful for that. She leaves December 24th from the airport in Berlin at 10a.m...so when I say good-bye to her, I will find myself in Berlin, alone with Christmas the next day. I know that I have places to go, but the original plan was for my dad to be there in Berlin, leaving on the 26th. Right now it's really hard to think of much else I would want to be doing, but I have to make that decision soon. Of course there have been offers on what to do from various friends here in Germany.
The program gave me permission to go home for Christmas given the circumstances. It's too late now though, after looking, for me to go home the 24th with Katie and come back on the 28th - is running about $1,000. I already have a flight to Berlin from Stuttgart on the 29th of December in order to meet Chris on the 30th. Technically, I could fly in and out of Berlin - but then I am putting myself in a position of dragging around a suitcase for two weeks, going home for 4 nights - then coming home. I can't really know if that is something that is worth it or not, or aside from everything, if it psychologically would be something worth doing.
So, sometimes, like today. I don't want to get out of bed. I lay there, stare at the ceiling and try to keep my mind as blank as possible, or close my eyes and imagine a place that is not here. I'm not sure if it's healthy, but at this point it's about all I can do from keeping myself from going completely batty. I don't have anything specifically against Germany in any, way, shape or form...it's the feeling that people need you at home...and you can't help them. There is no way that I can make it home without paying tons of money and wearing myself out so bad there is the possibility of getting sick from all the crazy travel I would have a head of me. Sometimes I pace my room, or I walk outside and get on the train...take it downtown...walk there as well. I grab a coffee and people watch, totally ignoring that on the inside, after everything that has happened in the past months - including things all of you know about, and the things you have no idea about - I really, truly am not happy right now and I'm not quite sure how to fix that. This is a tough thing for me, because I can't honestly say that I've ever really been "depressed" before, but I'm pretty sure that is what is going on right now. I hope it passes like everything else in life, and I can look back and possibly learn from it.
Christmas is just around the corner, and the homesickness starts to set in and I begin to wonder if it's even worth it to be here when I find myself depressed pretty much once or twice a week, and just wanting one week to catch my breath, regroup and then come back to Germany and start fresh with my internship. Shortly after the stroke, I also received news that my dad was in the hospital with some sort of strange bacterial infection, unable to fly - he's not coming for Christmas as planned. Luckly though, my cousin decided to still come even though my dad won't make it, and I'm truly thankful for that. She leaves December 24th from the airport in Berlin at 10a.m...so when I say good-bye to her, I will find myself in Berlin, alone with Christmas the next day. I know that I have places to go, but the original plan was for my dad to be there in Berlin, leaving on the 26th. Right now it's really hard to think of much else I would want to be doing, but I have to make that decision soon. Of course there have been offers on what to do from various friends here in Germany.
The program gave me permission to go home for Christmas given the circumstances. It's too late now though, after looking, for me to go home the 24th with Katie and come back on the 28th - is running about $1,000. I already have a flight to Berlin from Stuttgart on the 29th of December in order to meet Chris on the 30th. Technically, I could fly in and out of Berlin - but then I am putting myself in a position of dragging around a suitcase for two weeks, going home for 4 nights - then coming home. I can't really know if that is something that is worth it or not, or aside from everything, if it psychologically would be something worth doing.
So, sometimes, like today. I don't want to get out of bed. I lay there, stare at the ceiling and try to keep my mind as blank as possible, or close my eyes and imagine a place that is not here. I'm not sure if it's healthy, but at this point it's about all I can do from keeping myself from going completely batty. I don't have anything specifically against Germany in any, way, shape or form...it's the feeling that people need you at home...and you can't help them. There is no way that I can make it home without paying tons of money and wearing myself out so bad there is the possibility of getting sick from all the crazy travel I would have a head of me. Sometimes I pace my room, or I walk outside and get on the train...take it downtown...walk there as well. I grab a coffee and people watch, totally ignoring that on the inside, after everything that has happened in the past months - including things all of you know about, and the things you have no idea about - I really, truly am not happy right now and I'm not quite sure how to fix that. This is a tough thing for me, because I can't honestly say that I've ever really been "depressed" before, but I'm pretty sure that is what is going on right now. I hope it passes like everything else in life, and I can look back and possibly learn from it.
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