Survival Tips for Germany

I have been collecting some basic observations and experiences and would like to grieve share my thoughts with anyone who might decide to move to Germany for an extended amount of time. Hopefully these points can make things a tad easier on you.

1. When you go to any sort of store, do not expect the clerk to say hello, look at you or talk to you. Consider them eternally angry and make sure that you make the purchase as enjoyable as possible for them.

2. At said store experience, bag your own things with your own bag. My preferred method is to stand at the end, bag open and ready for when the check out person shoves my groceries towards me so I can quickly pack them away. Hint: put your groceries on the conveyor belt in the order that you would like to bag them, i.e. heavy items first.

2a. Make sure and have your money simultaneously ready and all your groceries bagged when the next customer comes up. Otherwise, you are making the check out person's day harder than it should be. This takes months of practice, but eventually you will master it like the Jedi bagger that you will become.

2b. Get anything you need before 8 p.m. (in bigger cities, 6p.m. small cities) otherwise you will find yourself hungry at 8:15 and your only option is a Döner Kebab. This also applies to the drugstore, pharmacy and any other place where you "buy things". If you decide to be a rebel and buy something after 8 p.m., expect to pay double and make a trip to the main train station.

3. Don't even think of returning that, it's not their problem and the manger is probably on vacation. Plus, you already opened the packaging which is a big "no go" right there.

4. The light says don't walk, you better not walk or expect to get shunned by the entire community. If you get hit, it's your fault and no, you can't sue (you walked when it was red). If it turns back to red while you are in the crosswalk, run, we don't want to inconvenience oncoming traffic now do we?

5. If you find yourself on public transportation and someone is staring at you intently checking out every single detail of your person, make sure and stare back really hard. The elderly are most known for this and often the culprit of the staring. Staring back works well with them. No, that German guy is not checking you out, he's judging you.

6. Going out to eat consists of three steps. First is ordering, second is getting the meal and third is paying. Just keep in mind you should allow at least 30 minutes between each of these steps, and refer to number 1. for customer service references. If you want a "quick lunch" go get a Kebab.

6a. Don't leave your tip on the table, give it to them directly. Freshen up on your gradeschool math skills. When you get the bill, add your tip, subtract it from what you gave the server and ask for your change. Example: Your bill is 7 Euro, add 1 Euro tip which makes 8. Hand them a 20 and ask for 12 Euros back. Do this fast because your server is probably due for a smoke break.

7. Ice? No, there is no ice. Don't ask for ice either, that makes the server work more. Lukewarm is considered cold here. I once had a German tell me that cold soda is bad for the digestive system.

8. Fill every piece of paper out three times, make numerous copies and get them stamped. Hint: a US Quarter and an ink pad works just as well, they can't tell the difference.

9. Should you find yourself actually driving in Germany, and you come to a four way stop where the lights are out. God speed. Lights are out which means all order has become chaotic, which they do not deal with well.

10. A vowel in a city name can sometimes mean an entirely different city, 50 miles away, in the wrong direction. If you don't speak German, take the city names and line them up one on top of the other and look for the different vowels. For example: Wittenberg, Wittenburg. This exists and it has foiled me.

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No Love From Love Parade

Liebe Loveparader,

viel wurde in den letzten Wochen in den Medien geschrieben, diskutiert, gemunkelt und gemutmaßt – das meiste hat uns gefreut, manches geärgert und einiges auch überrascht. Doch eines hat uns der ganze Medien-Rummel gezeigt: die LOVEPARADE ist und bleibt ein heißes Thema und ist lebendiger denn je! Für eure rege und oft auch emotionale Anteilnahme an den Diskussionen sagen wir an dieser Stelle DANKE.Da wir jetzt mit den Umbauarbeiten an unserer Webseite beginnen, werden wir vorerst manche Funktionen abschalten müssen. Wir bitten um euer Verständnis.Europaweit haben sich in den letzen Monaten viele Städte und Regionen interessiert gezeigt oder sogar direkt bei uns beworben. Wir haben viel Zeit investiert und unzählige Gespräche geführt, um die potentiellen Veranstaltungsorte anzuschauen und zu bewerten. Wir bedanken uns an dieser Stelle auch für die Offenheit, Freundlichkeit und Unterstützung der Menschen vor Ort, die die Loveparade und ihr Team empfangen haben und sich für die Idee begeistern konnten.Um den wilden Spekulationen ein Ende zu setzen, können wir euch jetzt mitteilen, dass wir nah dran sind, die Loveparade auch dieses Jahr zu veranstalten. Wir befinden uns in der Endphase der Verhandlungen mit der Metropole Ruhr und sind äußerst zuversichtlich, sie erfolgreich zum Abschluss zu bringen. Für 2007 ist Essen als Veranstaltungsort anvisiert. Der Termin, auf den wir hinarbeiten ist der 25. August. In den folgenden Jahren werden andere Städte in der Metropole Ruhr unser Gastgeber sein. Wir hoffen, bei unserer Pressekonferenz im Juni ein tolles Ergebnis präsentieren zu können. Bis dahin noch ein wenig Geduld – the love is still alive!

Euer Loveparade-Team

Thanks for moving it to Essen...and August. Jerks.

Tresor Still A Treat

Tresor re-opened this weekend with a five day party, here is an excerpt of the history from their website:

Everything began in March 1991: a new club „Tresor“ opened in the basement vault-rooms of the Wertheim department store located in the „Mitte“ section of Berlin, next to the famous Potsdamer Platz. Tresor came at the right time, in the right place and with the correct music. As Berlin’s first techno club, it corresponded to the public’s search for innovative music and newly found freedom in a post-Wall Berlin.

Lasting notoriety wasn’t in everyone’s mind during the beginning and sometimes the factors were unfavorably mixed. Besides an entirely new music style being represented, the club’s rough, apocalyptic atmosphere ruled above all: condensation dripped down the raw concrete walls of the old vault rooms; rusty steel bars separated visitors from the bar; several hundred forced-opened safe-deposit boxes lined the walls that spoke of wealth long forgotten; strobe lights and fast, hard beats dominated the dance floor. Only here could electronic music correspond with such architecture – the senses were left equally numbed and brutalised. Tresor’s extreme but pioneering example trail-blazed Berlin’s entire club culture.

Tresor’s history actually goes back to 1988 when the Interfisch label team opened the „UFO“ club. Even today „UFO“ is considered the birthplace of the Berlin house and techno movement. Following its closing, Interfisch label head Dimitri Hegemann and partners unearthed a new location in the eastern half of the city on Leipziger Strasse. It was custom-made for the new underground scene. These subterranean steel vaults of the former Wertheim store (once Europe’s largest department store during the 20’s) were redesigned into a club that quickly became the „hippest“ place in town. From day one it was clear that only first-rate talent played and performed. Party people from all over came to the club in droves to see Berlin turntable legends Tanith, Jonzon, Rok, Paul van Dyk, Kid Paul and Dr. Motte.

Ever since the beginning Tresor earned respect from all corners of the world, functioning doubly as safe-house for the preservation of techno. In spite of changing trends and the media’s fixation on closing the club, Tresor remains loyal to Underground Techno: a Berlin magazine once called the club a „monument in stubbornness“. Although the music itself isn’t re-invented each week, in Tresor the techno universe became further refined and provided a space like no other for the most interesting DJ’s and live acts from Europe, the Americas and Japan.

In the early weeks of 2005, shortly before Tresor Club's 14th birthday, the news hit hard: Tresor Club was finally being pushed out from its little corner of Potsdamer Platz and the land would be used to build a high-rise insurance company building. In February it was announced that the last party in Tresor Club on the Leipziger Strasse would be on Saturday April 16, 2005.

I found myself in Tresor my first visit to Berlin and will admit that it was experience that I will never forget in my entire life. If you know me you've probably heard the story involving a Turkish transvestite, a pill of ecstasy and a bank vault of pounding techno. So, needless to say my hopes were definitely on the higher end when I headed there last night. We arrived at one a.m. and as usual in Berlin we found that was too early. Coming up to the building it is a massive facade, and upon entering you are faced with the choice of three different stairwells and after choosing one, you are again faced with some more stairwell choices. The main room is long and extending, with doors connecting to other areas of the club which is mainly more stairwells. Going up above the main floor is a smaller room with a small side balcony that overlooks a gutted factory building and surprisingly fits about 20 people. Looking down off the balcony you notice that you are suspended over deep construction caverns and looking out the eye is fooled by cut outs of people supposedly standing in the ruins and looking at you. The music was pounding and vibrant, reminding me of the techno I heard at the Kopi party last weekend. As usual in Berlin, the space was incredible and expansive in which I easily found myself lost. The only thing that was missing from the new Tresor that I will miss was the outdoor seating, which was pretty key when emerging from a sweat soaked dance floor. Like before, I emerged with my body soaked and my feet tired, sandals are bad choice though for this venue as my feet were black from the ash and dirt being kicked up by the crowd.

CCCP, 3 a.m.

Graffiti in Berlin

If you pay attention, you will notice a lot of these are guerrilla marketing campaigns, but none the less still interesting. Amber took most of these when she visited Berlin and spent the day walking around. If you are looking for the big stuff, I suggest searching "Graffiti Berlin" on You Tube, lots of large scale tagging videos.

Sexy Chill Out Space

Last night I found myself once again in East Berlin searching for the "warehouse type place across the empty parking lot next to the river". This time was different though, because we were going to one of the most well known squatter buildings in Berlin, the Köpi. Located on Köpenicker Strasse near the Ostbahnhof, the building pretty much stands alone on an abandoned lot surrounded by large fences with intertwined vines and branches weaving through the battered protest signs and inches thick layers of flyers. We approached the building, not quite sure where the actual entrance was. I ask the solemn looking guy at the front door, "Is this the entrance?" pointing to the gate that looked like it hadn't been opened in 20 years. He replies, "No, this is the Köpi." I cock my head to the side, "Yes, we know, but is this the entrance?" He wakes up from his drunken head slouch to repeat with annoyance in his voice, "No, this is the Köpi." People emerge and we grab the gate and go in. Walking in you are confronted with a building covered entirely in graffiti and protest banners, seemingly scraping the sky and looking so dilapidated it could fall over any second. The crowd is various degrees of punk, from really punk to really, really, really punk. Everyone is sitting on the pavement in the cool night smoking cigarettes and sucking down large one Euro bottles of Export. The night was spent navigating the halls, trying to not loose the people I was with and generally staring in awe at what had developed in this space.

The squat has been in existence for about 20 years, seeing many parties and many tenants. Looking up into the building you can see the individual rooms, glowing different colors depending on the taste of the inhabitant. Extending my head high, I couldn't help but think of all the people that have been through the space and soon would be kicked out. It made me sad to see that this space that means so much to these people, will soon be gone. This was also probably the first and last time I would ever in my life time get to attend a party at a real-to-life Squat. The party was a fund-raiser for Queers Against G8 whose organizer is a roommate of a friend of ours. The ground floor was experimental and performance art, complete with a guy in the corner wearing 6 plastic breasts that milked...vodka. Packed and smokey, I watched a girl emerge from a plastic garbage bag costume and by the end she was naked on stage yelling about the dirt and grime of her soul, and something about "crawling into the deep crevices of her lover". Downstairs was pounding and actually very good techno with an incredible vibe. I thought that I had heard about every kind of electronic music out there, but something about this was different. I can't put my finger on it. It was techno, but deep and vibrational with hints of jack house in the background, pounding yet rhythmic and kept me dancing until 6 a.m. I had the feeling of the deep underground parties from long ago, pulsating and everyone in their own world, raw and unabridged. It seemed like forever since I had such a feeling on a dancefloor. I had a moment, down in the basement of this squat where I thought,

"This is going to be an experience I carry with me for the rest of my life. Nothing like this is probably going to happen to me ever again."

I am really grateful for this experience I had, and I can only hope the people there find their way after the Köpi is gone. My heart goes out to them. I unfortunately, did not have my camera, but was able to take a couple of videos. Once I get more photos, I plan to post again with pictures of this incredible space.

From the Sexy Chill Out Space, "People's gender identity is diverse, do not assume you'll find the genitals you expect."

Noch Zwei Monaten

Yesterday I spent my day biking and walking around Prenzlauer Berg, hitting up boutiques and scoffing at the 25 Euro printed tees. Found a couple of interesting places, and noteworthy things where I was constantly telling myself "Two months. Can this fit in your suitcase?" Stopped and got a delicious quiche from a great place with trees covering the patio, people playing cards and a son and daughter sitting at my table drinking root beer together. I walked a lot with my headphones on, the artist of the day was Daft Punk which oddly fit. Looked around and was a little saddened that I am only here for two more months. Berlin is really a vibrant and beautiful city, sometimes it doesn't seem like that at first - but if you stop and use time to take it all in it really becomes something extraordinary. Not just the area of Prenzlauer Berg, but the many other areas as well are just as enjoyable to be in. Compared to when I was first here about five years ago, I am amazed at how much has changed in that time. The next two months will hopefully be spent just as this day was, and I will have plenty of memories stored up for my return.

That night headed out to Friedrichshain and had another attempt at the "obscure clubbing in obscure places" that pretty much defines any night event here. We stopped at one of our favorite small bars next to 103 and Watergate by Warschauer Strasse and the headed to the venue.

Inbetween getting off the S-Bahn and getting to the bar, we walk across our favorite bridge and I see some brightly colored jogging suits and fanny packs heading our way. Naturally, I assume they are hipsters, but there are A LOT of them. All in all it was seven English guys partaking in some sick sort of Flashdance re-creation posing as a stag party. They were very drunk, and unconscious of the meaning of personal space. I wanted a picture with all seven of them very badly, but also wanted the guy in the hot pink FILA track suit to stop breathing on me. They were desperate for some place to go and explained they couldn't get in anywhere. (Gee, I wonder why, I really thought Germans were a fan of packs of brightly colored English people, especially bachelor parties. How strange.) It was pretty much agreed upon that they wouldn't get in anywhere in Berlin looking like that, and such a large group - so I asked if they liked 16 year olds to which they gladly cheered "Of course we do luv'!" and I pointed them in the direction of Matrix, a pre-teen and teenage dance club underneath the S-Bahn. God speed.

We headed on and finally made it to our destination, a great warehouse right on the river, really dark but still manageable to see the brick pillars, endless halls and stairways. The sad part was the lack of people in such a great space, especially because the music was very danceable and the drink prices were decent. Stayed for about an hour. Due to our alcohol consumption and the feeling for something ridiculous after the disappointing party, we negotiated our way for free into Matrix Club around 4 a.m. (Assuming the British guys were passed out...somewhere). I felt it was a culturally important step on my part to expose Xiaochang to the "18 and under" side of Berlin. Upon entering, I kept thinking "Girl, where is your mother? Does she know that boy is five years old than you and touching your butt like that?!"

The icing on the cake was the cage in the middle of the dancefloor, and the cherry was the overweight Turkish teenage boy griding the bars...alone.

The last time I remember being there, I was about 20 and getting ready to pass out in a corner. We stayed for about 15 minutes. Ah, youth.

Thriller, I would like you to meet Bollywood.

I find the dance moves way better than the original.

Sommer in Berlin

Well summer is here and officially kicking in Berlin. The weather is beautiful, people are out at scattered cafe patios all over and the sunlight lasts until 9 p.m. I really dislike the fact that I am sitting at a desk for most of the day and have been slowly extending my lunch breaks to become longer. I like waking up to the sun shining through my apartment windows, but am able to feel the last spots of the cool night air that had been trapped from the hours before. The balcony is serving me well, large and expansive I sit outside, drink ice water, and listen to music through the large european windows. Getting off work has been more of a treat than normal, as I have recently discovered the wonderful feeling that goes with riding a bike in the city (with fabulous bike lanes). Oftentimes we will take off and ride for hours, only realizing it is time to head back as the sun is setting and my arches are cramping. Following the rides is sometimes a stop for sushi and maybe a glass of white wine, followed by more balcony sitting. I don't think I have had my television on in weeks. I make it a point to go to the Spree river at least once a week, bringing my iPod, a good book, journal and plenty of snacks. I sit on my blanket and stare out at the water, turning around to people watch and doze off in the streaming sun.

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The Whitest Boy Alive - The Sequel

Last night headed to go see The Whitest Boy Alive for the second time while in Germany. The band played for a good three hours, going through all the favorites as well and throwing in some unreleased material. Watching them this time around compared to last time took a whole new meaning, because of the way their music has grown on me and been a really large part of my time away from home. Certain songs are really important to me, and a couple of times I had to take some deep breaths and manage to keep things inside. It was cathartic to see them live again, considering the first time I saw them, I had no idea who they were. I still listen to those same songs on "Dreams" religiously and am sure that won't be stopping for quite some time.

Afterwards was a really great follow up party at Tape, the warehouse (well, what else, it's Berlin) club with a great dance floor and interesting mix of people. The music was actually quite good, and they even dropped some house tracks (somehow techno-fied) and it was amusing that I was the only one who knew the lyrics and drops in the Buzzin Cuzzins track , "Let Me Show You Love". Very good night that ended up on the banks of the Spree at 6 a.m. My favorite visual was the guy wearing hammer pants and a gold sparkled baseball cap.

"Haha, that guys hat reminds me of some baton girl in a parade." - Me

"Really? It just reminds me of hipsters." - Xiaochang

Here are some videos.

Dear puking girl, find me so we can make babies

MC with the drunk Cubs fan who vomited in a train car full of commuters - m4w

Around 6:00 you and a troupe of other highly intelligent, charming twenty-somethings boarded the train in the Loop. In between counting and re-counting the number of stops until Addison, you passed around a jug of orange juice and vodka as the train filled with commuters heading home. I was mesmerized by the way you blocked the doors without a care in the world other than clutching onto your greasy, loud boyfriend. But what really made me hot was when you vomited on one of your friends, then crumbled to the floor while repeating, "This is like so bad. This is so not right. I am like so upset right now." Good thing your friends wouldn't alight until we reached Addison, though, because you might have missed five minutes of the game! If you read this, please get in touch with me so we can make babies together. I'm sure you'll be an amazing, successful woman in the future.

-Craig's List Chicago

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Neat-O

Think I am Going to Cry

So my recent task at work is to translate a ridiculously complicated power point. I have full faith in my German speaking abilities, but this is really pushing it. The whole thing is about investment subsidies and their requirements. There is a lot of use of the the genitive case with two or three verbs at the end of each sentence conjugated in various forms. Not only that, but stupidly long sentences for a power point, almost like it's meant for a lecture at Harvard. It's super fun, considering all the words I don't know are no where to be found in any online dictionary. I have resisted the urge to just make up what I think it means, I would probably get caught.

Here is a taste:

Schutzrechtserstanmeldung - Initial Registration Trademark Right (law)
Investitionszulagengesetz - Capital Subsidy Investment Laws
Innovationsförderung - Innovation Assistance (governmental)
Berufsgenossenschaft - Accident Prevention & Insurance Association
Gemeinschaftsaufgabe - Joint Agreement for the Improvement of Regional Economic Structures
Investionsvorhaben - Investment Plan/Project
Bewilligungsausschuss - Authorizing Committee
Anlagevermögens - Assets or Capital Assets
Bemessungsgrundlage - Assessment Base (for tax purposes)
Fördervoraussetzungen - Subsidy Funding Requirements
Auszahlungsvoraussetzungen - Payment Requirements
Auszahlungsauflage - Payment Obligations
Materialeinzelkosten - Direct Material Costs
Betriebsmittelkredit - Operating Resources Credit
Bürgschaftsübernahme - Bond Credit Takeover
Bewilligungsausschuss - Authorizing Committee
Genehmigungsvorbehalte - Non Disclosure Agreement

I am really disliking German today.

***

Wait, is this the beach?

Originally, the bike ride should have taken under two hours, but it turned into about four. We started off in Mitte and headed our way to the land of Strandbad Wannsee. We thought, given my super accurate bike-way directions it would have taken 90 minutes. Given our stopping, starting, tire pumping and map consulting it turned into four. After reaching the S-Bahn stop for Wannsee, we rode our bike down desperately looking for a beach...and some ice cream. Realizing we were on the completely wrong end of the Wannsee, we headed back and finally made it to an actual entrance for a beach. Four Euro to get in? At three p.m.? What time is our gallery opening? No way. Sat on the bench and watched people pick up their kids, young couples and teenagers leave their way to their cars and we sat and sucked in the fact we rode four hours to not go to the beach. Got a coffee and refused the satisfaction of a large wurst and some fried potatoes, opting instead for goulash and coffee. Time to head back, maybe without the construction it would have taken 30 minutes, but we spent an hour and a half hopping S-Bahns with cumbersome bicycles and notices of "temporary bus service" between our key stations.

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Disgruntled Workers and Smoking Meat

As yesterday was a national holiday in Germany, their version of Labor Day, I spent my morning walking Prenzlauer Berg searching for lunch (which, by the way, took us about 90 minutes) and my evening was spent rioting at MyFest in Kreuzberg. Okay, not really rioting, but going with the intent to see some people riot and the hope to get caught up in it. Death wish I know, but at the same time something I was hoping to experience just once in my life. This, along with teleporting, but that is a whole 'nother ballgame. Xiaochang was not as thrilled (apparently she has already been in some riots) about my desire to dodge rocks and flaming bottles, but came none the less. Before I go into anything, you should read this, which outlines the basis for the festival.

Heading down on the U8 we got off at Kottbusser Tor and although it was still light out and early evening, I noticed the family groups were shuffling out as we walked into the dense crowd. Started off proper as in any festival, with a large bottle of beer and proceeded to squish our way through the large crowd passing by various mix-matched stages playing everything from dark drum n' bass to what I think was Turkish merengue? The streets flowed into each other, and there was a distinct smell of smoky grilled meats, bad cologne, body odor and beer.

Sprawled out on the lawns were punks and generally discontented looking people. I admit I have never been in a crowd like this in my entire life. Wasn't nervous or anxious, just in awe at the sheer number of punk rockers rolling about in the grass and yelling obscenities.

We headed back into the crowds and the next two hours are somewhat of a blur in between being squished in the pack, buying warm large bottles of beer from 12 year olds, jumping around to Turkish merengue, and checking every ten minutes to make sure that my camera hadn't been stolen. Finally after a while, my wish came true but it was kind of weak.

Standing on a pretty empty street off to the side, I stopped to take a picture of this:

I turn around and notice a large crowd of people coming down the street in a full front, all dressed in black, waving flags and chanting about something about Kapitalismus and das Volk? Not sure. Maybe it was the punk band playing at the end of the street they really wanted to go see?


"Hey guys! Let's get in this big line and go give that punk band all our support!"


Okay, probably not. Here is video of me getting knocked into while they charged, and then everyone heading down the street past us. So it wasn't a huge riot, and I didn't have to dodge any flaming bottles or rocks (damn) but I DID get run into. I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I feel a little bit more hardcore now.

After our "brush with death" we made the unwise decision to keep drinking, Xiaochang buying herself a rather large caipirinha which was pure rum and (gasp!) ice. It was at this point we really found ourselves in quite the crowd, worked up by death metal, too much cheap booze and the scent in the air of possible (real) riots. A little uneasiness began to set in and we left. This turned into a good choice, because shortly thereafter, the first stone was thrown.